How Does a Soul Thrive?

A plea for autonomy and trust in spiritual formation spaces

“Yeah, I tried telling you that I didn’t think that was a good idea,” she interrupted as I began to share my initial difficulties I had in pursuing a dream in the midst of deep and unexpected personal hardship.

Caught off guard, I hesitated for a moment, but eventually continued my initial share: “Yes, it felt counter-intuitive at first to be away from home when so much is happening, but I found that the space this journey has provided has actually been healing and refreshing in more ways than one.

Now she was the one caught off guard. She met my encouragement with a disbelieving look, but continued the conversation questioning and analyzing much of how I’ve handled the last 6 months of my life.

I want to be clear—there are no handbooks for what my family and I have been through in the last six years… let alone the hardship that’s dominated the bulk of my emotional processing for the last six months. My family and I have prayed, sought counsel, began and continued therapy, cried, and cried some more in search of the kingdom of God amidst so much mess. So, for this person who I trusted to be so mistrusting of my faith and commitment to spiritual formation when I have been in some of the darkest days of my life was demoralizing, confusing, and honestly just down right frustrating.

As I look back, though, on my many years in faith and spiritual formation circles I begin to see a pattern. The spaces where I and my loved ones have grown have been spaces where our voices were heard, where our motives and outlook were honored instead of questioned, and where the authority of God was maintained over the authority of man. The spaces where I have been forced to shrink, mask, dis-integrate, and ultimately move farther from the imago-dei within have been spaces where my motives and outlooked are always questioned, where I’ve been asked to not trust my instincts or my experience, where I’ve been expected to blindly follow someone’s (or a group of someones’) interpretation of scripture.

As a therapist, I laugh a little at how revolutionary this realization feels to me. How many times have I told a client about our two basic needs in our earliest years? Authenticity and attachment are sister needs, and things tend to go haywire when we receive the message that we have to choose one of the two. Children (and adults led by their unhealed inner children) almost always choose attachment over authenticity. When a primary attachment figure sends the message that emotional closeness and safety are jeopardized by authentic expression of self, the self learns to shrink a little, to twist a little, to morph a little in order to preserve that emotional closeness.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

It seems that a good portion of the Christian scriptures are aimed at answering the question of how to return to the imago dei—how to plant our feet again in Eden now and in the age to come. I believe that the life and teachings of Jesus give us a beautiful picture. How many times does Jesus stop to ask someone about their experience, to meet them exactly where they are? How many times does Jesus look at imperfect followers and inspire them rather than question and belittle them?

The human soul cannot thrive under a microscope.

Perhaps this is why Jesus’ most harsh rebukes were reserved for those who silenced and oppressed the humanity of God’s people for the sake of rules, regulations, and the appearance of righteousness. You might find the whole of Matthew 23 relevant, but I’ll include the text of verse 13 for this conversation:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.” Matthew 23:13

*long whistle*

Of course, we cannot engage this conversation well without the admission that there is a need for accountability, discipleship, and often correction in the spiritual formation journey. The scriptures and human history are clear that the human soul will continue its downward spiral without these things.

But what if when someone told us that they were serious about following Jesus, we believed them? What if we didn’t scoff at the person engaged in spiritual pursuits when they use a curse word to communicate their pain? What if we didn’t roll our eyes or shake our heads disapprovingly when people didn’t display their passion for the kingdom of God in the exact same linear path we walked or expect to walk?

In therapy, I often tell people that they are the experts on their lived experience, and I am the expert on mental health. I view the therapeutic relationship collaboratively—my client and I working together toward their goals of healing and functioning. What might it be like if faith and spiritual formation circles adopted this same mindset? What if spiritual guides didn’t insert themselves as experts on the lives of those they a helping, but rather supporters with insights into God’s word and his story? What if we allowed people to remain autonomous and empowered in their pursuit of the ever-mysterious, awe-some, wonderful kingdom of God?

Because the human soul does thrive in safety. The imago dei finds its footing to shine forth and eradicate our learned darkness when the human soul has secure attachment in its authenticity—when we can be exactly where we are and still be beloved.

I yearn to be in and create spaces where voices are heard. I yearn to believe people when they share their experience with working out their salvation with fear and trembling. I yearn to respond with compassion and curiosity when someone shares a piece of their lived experience that I don’t understand, or that doesn’t fit within the paradigm of my own lived experience.

Most of us are in relationships with someone under-going some kind of formation. May we all seek to grow the light that already exists within that someone, rather than snuff it out with our own judgements. May we be a place of safety for their authenticity.

Amen.